#column: Mindful intimacy
March 28, 2023
Half of all women globally (64 percent in Hong Kong) don’t think that what they see in media paint a realistic picture of sex, sexual desires or sexuality, according to a survey by sex toy brand Womanizer. As part of our celebration of International Women’s Day this month, mindful intimacy coach Viv Kan shares with #legend five tips to redefine your relationship with physical intimacy
Let me start by putting this out there: If conventional sex worked, you wouldn’t need to read this.
We all tend to have many expectations around sex and intimacy that comes from what we’ve seen in media or porn. Because nobody teaches us how to have real intimacy, many people have unfulfilling sex. It can feel like a transactional routine, mismatched libidos, pain and soreness in the vagina or vulva, pressure to perform, no (fulfilling) orgasms, or feelings of shame that we are not good enough.
I’ve witnessed and experienced a multitude of layers of intimacy that I’ve never seen in any porn. I’ve seen people connect with their partners and themselves on such a deep level that they’ve reached orgasmic states never thought possible.
Part of my job as a mindful intimacy coach is to guide people through deeper pleasure. One of the main things people come to me for is yoni and lingam massage (yoni is Sanskrit for the divine symbol of female sexual pleasure and power, and lingam is the male version).
Before you visualize what a yoni and lingam massage looks like, let me just say that it’s probably not what you imagine it to be.
Often times with my clients, tears come streaming down when we start to get vulnerable talking about their intimate desires, fears, or past trauma that may arise – all before the bodywork even starts.
This is why we start each session with mindful communication. Because communication = lubrication. When we release emotional, mental, and physical stress that’s blocking us from pleasure, our minds and bodies can then surrender into deeper orgasmic states.
Here are 5 ways to shatter sexpectations and have mind-blowing intimacy:
Remember all of the above requires constant practice. You’re building your mental sexual muscles just as much as the physical ones.
I wish I could record the raw emotions revealed when shame, guilt and inhibitions are released from these simple tips in my sessions. Diving deep into our sexuality (or with our partner) with radical honesty can cultivate intimate experiences that are indescribable. This should be what true pornography is, because it’s as real and authentic as it gets. Good luck and stay mindfully intimate.
Also see: Ladies, time for some self-care
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