#column: Mindful intimacy

Half of all women globally don’t think that what they see in media paint a realistic picture of sex, sexual desires or sexuality, according to a survey by sex toy brand Womanizer. As part of our celebration of International Women’s Day this month, mindful intimacy coach Viv Kan shares with #legend five tips to redefine your relationship with physical intimacy

Let me start by putting this out there: If conventional sex worked, you wouldn’t need to read this.

We all tend to have many expectations around sex and intimacy that comes from what we’ve seen in media or porn. Because nobody teaches us how to have real intimacy, many people have unfulfilling sex. It can feel like a transactional routine, mismatched libidos, pain and soreness in the vagina or vulva, pressure to perform, no (fulfilling) orgasms, or feelings of shame that we are not good enough.

I’ve witnessed and experienced a multitude of layers of intimacy that I’ve never seen in any porn. I’ve seen people connect with their partners and themselves on such a deep level that they’ve reached orgasmic states never thought possible.

Part of my job as a mindful intimacy coach is to guide people through deeper pleasure. One of the main things people come to me for is yoni and lingam massage (yoni is Sanskrit for the divine symbol of female sexual pleasure and power, and lingam is the male version).

Before you visualize what a yoni and lingam massage looks like, let me just say that it’s probably not what you imagine it to be.

Often times with my clients, tears come streaming down when we start to get vulnerable talking about their intimate desires, fears, or past trauma that may arise – all before the bodywork even starts.

This is why we start each session with mindful communication. Because communication = lubrication. When we release emotional, mental, and physical stress that’s blocking us from pleasure, our minds and bodies can then surrender into deeper orgasmic states.

Here are 5 ways to shatter sexpectations and have mind-blowing intimacy:

1. Re-define your definition of sex and intimacy.
   Sex does not always mean penetration. And emotional intimacy without physical touch can also mean intimacy. Each individual is indifferent. Once you redefine these definitions, you can be clearer around how lovemaking can look and feel like for you.
   
2. Normalize speaking about sex and intimacy with your partner or yourself.
   There’s no wellbeing without sexual wellbeing, so let’s talk about sex like adults, as if we’re talking about the weather. Sit down with your partner, outside of the bedroom (maybe with a glass of wine), or journal to questions like, “What turns you on? How do you turn yourself on? What turns you off? How do you turn yourself off? How do I like to be touched by my lover or myself?” You’re constantly learning about yourself and each other, like scientists collecting data along the way.
   
3. Stop thinking about the orgasm. Do think about your intention.
   The expectation that sex leads to orgasm puts too much pressure on all genders. Men often feel pressured to get an erection immediately and stay hard. Women feel the pressure to perform and end up faking orgasms to avoid making their partners feel bad. Instead, set your intention around why you are having sex and remember that. It changes the whole energy of the act. The orgasms WILL come when you stay in the present moment.
   
4. Go slow. There’s no goal.
   Whether you’re self-pleasuring or being intimate with a partner, go five times slower than you usually do. Where are we rushing to go to? Sex and intimacy is a journey, not a race. Even when you’re self-pleasuring, practice mindful masturbation and go slower than you normally would. Explore, discover, play, and feel all the different parts of yourself and the other.
   
5. Foreplay starts at the end of your last orgasm.
   We often think foreplay starts 15 minutes before sexual penetration. Wrong! Foreplay in the every day. If you know that simple acts of service like picking up the laundry is a turn-on for your partner, make an effort to do it. If you don’t have a partner remember to practice regular self-pleasure. Foreplay is about doing things little and often.

Remember all of the above requires constant practice. You’re building your mental sexual muscles just as much as the physical ones.

I wish I could record the raw emotions revealed when shame, guilt and inhibitions are released from these simple tips in my sessions. Diving deep into our sexuality (or with our partner) with radical honesty can cultivate intimate experiences that are indescribable. This should be what true pornography is, because it’s as real and authentic as it gets. Good luck and stay mindfully intimate.

Also see: Ladies, time for some self-care